


The Joy of Not-Sex

by Wereflamingo



Series: Joy Verse [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acephobia, Alterous attraction, Arospec, Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, Asexuality, Because I accidentally write arospec feels into everything, Blow Jobs, Casual Sex, Consent, Fluff, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Masturbation, Open Relationships, Other: See Story Notes, Sexual Content, Sexual Harassment, quoiromantic, wtfromantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 21:06:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8224786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wereflamingo/pseuds/Wereflamingo
Summary: Sirius is confused about sex and sets out to investigate. And if that investigation includes an awful lot of snogging with one Remus Lupin, what of it? The story of how ace Sirius got together with highly sexual Remus, to great success, and had lots of asexy not-sex with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This story is about asexuality. It's mostly a fluffy feel-good story with lots of acceptance and good consent, but here are a few things about this story you might find uncomfortable (content warnings), especially if you're on the ace spectrum:
> 
> 1) I, the author, am not ace myself. I draw on my experiences with my aceish ex, as well as my experiences with a highly sexual partner when I had low sexuality phases. Probably Gaia from The Queer Ace on WordPress influenced my understanding of asexuality more than anyone.  
> 2) The words asexual, ace, and asexuality are not mentioned in the story. This is Sirius dealing with asexuality in the seventies without having a word for it.  
> 3) There is no hate, but there is some mild acephobia of the ignorant sort, such as thinking it's not a thing or calling it weird.  
> 4) There's sexual harassment in the story. It's of the same type that is usually not even tagged in other stories, but here it is actually addressed.  
> 5) There are sexual situations in the story that the asexual character participates in in some way.  
> 6) A sexual slur is used.
> 
> ****  
> Notes that are not content warnings:  
> 1) The Remus/Peter thing is casual and off screen.  
> 2) Story is unbetaed, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes, and please let me know if you find any.

"Five," said Peter, his expression one of pure awe.

"You're taking the piss," said James.

"I assure you I am not," Remus replied calmly.

"Then how come we didn't know?" demanded James.

"I happen to be a gentleman," Remus said primly, but the crinkled corners of his eyes gave away his amusement. "And there is a reason I am always in charge of stealth, cover up and alibi."

"But why didn't you tell us? When did you even manage to shag five girls already?" James pressed on.

"People," said Remus.

"Sorry?"

"Five people."

"Yes, I know it's five people, you've sa- Oh. Ohh." Comprehension dawned in James's eyes.

Peter looked confused, then surprised. "You mean boys?" he asked.

"Among others."

"Wow," said Peter, "that's like double the experience."

"I'm glad you see it that way, Wormtail. Unfortunately not everyone does, so I'll appreciate it if you lads don't share this information with anyone else."

"Don't worry Moony," said James, "of course we won't tell."

Remus looked pointedly at Sirius.

"Ok, point," said James, and aimed a stinging hex at Sirius, as was his and Peter's custom whenever The Prank came up in conversation, even now, three months later. Remus never participated, said he wasn't going to alleviate Sirius's feelings of guilt by petty punishment. "But forget about who you shag, you've got to tell us about this sort of stuff! What if we need tips?"

"Go for the clitoris," said Remus in reply.

"Huh?"

"That's the best tip I've got. I assume you know what to do with the other sort of equipment."

"I... Uh, yeah. Not that I need it," James hastened to add, turning slightly pink.

"If you're quite done," said Remus, "I believe it's my turn to ask. Padfoot, you're being awfully quiet. Truth or Dare?"

That was when Sirius realized he was still staring. It was just too strange to think of Moony as sexually experienced when he himself, popular as he was, felt confused by the whole concept. Shaking it off, he put on his best smirk. "Why, now that I know our Moony is a sex fiend, I'm rather hesitant to pick dare. Who knows what kind of depraved things he'd have me do!" he exclaimed, raising the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically.

"Are you picking Truth, then?" Remus said, amused.

"Nah, what's life without a little risk?" Sirius grinned winsomely and hoped for the best.

"Dare, then. Which I've been dared to make as depraved as possible," Remus said, pretending to contemplate.

"I did not!" exclaimed Sirius. Peter and James were laughing and absolutely no help.

"Hey Pete, got any licorice wands?" Remus asked, smirking.

"Sure thing." He rummaged in his trunk, producing a bag. "Catch!"

"Okay, Sirius. I dare you to fellate this licorice wand for two minutes."

Sirius felt his cheeks getting warm. Does that mean what he thinks it means? He was grateful when Peter asked the question for him. "What does that mean?"

"Fellatio," said Remus in a voice eerily similar to the one he used when informing first years of less-known rules, "is another word for what you might call a blowjob."

James was already laughing. "You asked for it, mate."

"And I shall do it!" Sirius declared. "Sirius Black does not back out on a dare."

"Sirius Black will do well to remember we are his friends first and judgmental arseholes second," said Remus, "and pick Truth if he needs to."

Sirius flipped him off and snatched the wand from his hand. He put it in his mouth and started sucking, realizing it wasn't very different from what he would usually do with it. Joke's on Moony, he thought. James and Peter were laughing, however, and Remus was looking at him with a small smile on his face. After a few seconds, though, he was already bored. What else would one do while giving a blowjob? Sirius has never given or gotten one. He pulled the wand out a little, swirling his tongue around it. That seemed to have gotten a reaction, as James and Peter stopped laughing. Sirius looked at James and winked, earning himself a balled up candy wrapper to the head.

"That's pretty good," said Peter seriously. "You should try bobbing up and down, that's how girls do it."

Sirius pulled off just to snap at him. "Like you've been with any girls!"

"Just the one," Peter said shyly.

Sirius growled in annoyance and put the wand back in his mouth, playing with it rather forcefully and not looking up.

James coughed. "Is anyone taking the time?" he asked.

Turned out no one was. "Oh. I guess you can stop now, since we forgot about the time," said Remus, and Sirius noticed his face was decidedly pink. Right, because he likes girls _and_ boys. The thought made him feel uncomfortable, and he made a show of biting the wand, now that he wasn't required to pretend it was _that_.

"Peter," he said hurriedly, "Truth or Dare?"

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, the marauders seemed to be processing Remus's revelation. James would make innuendo in class, and Sirius caught Peter staring several times. He thought nothing of it until Sunday, when he came back early from one of the Quidditch practices he'd been roped into since Parker was suspended from the team, hoping to shower at the dorm. Since the game of Truth and Dare the previous weekend, he felt a little uncomfortable with communal showers, and the dorm showers were likely to be empty.

When he opened the door, the dorm was empty, but smelled a bit off. He dropped his bag at his bed and headed into the showers. To his surprise, he heard the shower running. Inside the bathroom, Remus and Peter were taking up the two stalls. Strange time for a shower, he thought. "Hurry up, you two!" he yelled over his shoulder, and went back into the dorm to wait.

Sitting down on his bed, he once again became aware of the smell he had failed to identify before. Closer to the source, Remus's bed, it was much more obvious. Jizz. Spunk. Semen. Well, that explained the shower, except... Sirius considered transforming for a moment, to test his theory. Presumably, if he was right, he'd find slightly different scents on different spots on the bed. Then he realized how creepy that would be, and that really, he didn't want to know. That is, he did, very much so, but not in quite as much detail. He was quite sure he already knew the answer anyway.

Disturbed, he left the dorm, sprinting through the common room and out the portrait hole. And If he came back a little late, or got in a fight or two while he was out, well, that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, now was it?

 

* * *

 

The next day at breakfast, Sirius rubbed his sore jaw, glaring at Remus who was sitting across the table from him and, in Sirius's opinion, far too close to Wormtail. It was his fault Sirius got in a fight with those Slytherin seventh years last night. How could he be attracted to someone as dull as Peter? By now he was sure he had guessed right. He was actually surprised at himself for never noticing before that Remus was having sex. He looked almost smug, ate twice as much as usual, and the color in his cheeks was not normal for the usually pale boy. Sirius rose huffily, pulling on James's arm. "Come on Prongs, Snivellus looks particularly hexable today." James gave him a worried look, but followed.

Sirius debated whether to tell James, but thought better of it. He would have, had he not had time to calm down before he saw James. But it was none of their business and he saw no reason to talk about it. During potions, he thought Remus and Peter, who were working together, were touching each other just a tad more than usual, but Remus caught him looking, and though he just smiled and winked, Sirius didn't look again. As the week wore on, he didn't notice much out of the ordinary, except perhaps Remus's new habit of randomly winking at him. He did wake up one day to find Remus and Peter both gone, but he didn't dare do more than listen for the sound of the shower, afraid of what he'd see if he went in. He thought he'd heard a moan, which prompted him to move away from the door, climb back into his bed, and draw the blanket over his head. He was going back to sleep.

Thankfully, that day Remus sat beside Sirius at breakfast, and even partnered with him in class. By the time they went back to the dorm, Sirius was feeling much more cheerful. The moment the door closed, he transformed into Padfoot and tackled Remus. He spent several very satisfying minutes wrestling with Remus and licking his face, finally letting him get to his bed and lying down at his feet. All was well.

 

* * *

 

Pleased with Sirius's improved mood, James dragged him out that night, promising an elaborate revenge on the Slytherins. The next morning, as they were laughing at the rather fetchingly shiny heads of the aforementioned Slytherins, Sirius spotted Professor McGonagall striding towards them, looking quite angry.

"Minnie!" he cried, as he was wont to do. "Missing me already, my love? Come to give me my good morning kiss, have you?"

"Mr. Black, please refrain from making inappropriate comments to me or any other teacher. Or non-consenting student, for that matter."

"Oh, why do you deny our love?" cried Sirius dramatically. Remus kicked him under the table.

"I shall see you in my office in ten minutes sharp. Mr. Potter, please accompany him, as I have a bone to pick with you as well."

"Why, Professor," said Sirius, "I didn't know you were into that kind of thing."

McGonagall was livid. "Silencio! That is enough, Mr. Black. Thirty points from Gryffindor for sexual harassment." She turned on her heel and left the Great Hall.

Dismayed, Sirius attempted to speak, and indeed found that he was unable to make a sound.

"Serves you right," said Remus.

"You did take it a bit far, mate," said James. Sirius shot him a betrayed look.

"Thirty points, though!" said Peter. "Was that really sexual harassment, do you think?"

"It most certainly was," said Lily Evans from two seats away. "But what can one expect from one as childish as Black?"

Sirius glared at her, and then got to his feet, dragging James with him.

 

* * *

 

In McGonagall's office, the usual charade took less than a minute.

"Of course not, Professor. We wouldn't do such a thing."

"I've got my eye on you two. Any time I have no proof for just adds to your punishment the next time you are caught. And you will be."

Sirius tried to protest, but he was still unable to produce any sounds.

"Mr. Potter, that will be all. Please proceed to class. I shall now speak privately with Mr. Black."

"Of course, Professor. Good day."

When James had closed the door behind him, McGonagall looked at Sirius sternly, not speaking. He pointed at his mouth, but she shook her head.

"Not yet, Mr. Black. The words you were saying earlier were hurtful, and I do not deserve to be subjected to any more of them. First you listen." She sighed. "Mr. Black, do you understand why they were hurtful?"

Sirius shook his head. Sure, he was being cheeky, but hurtful?

"No, of course you don't. The only hope any of us have in light of your complete thoughtlessness is your good intentions. Listen carefully, then.

People's sexuality and even romantic life are generally very private to them. I'm sure you've noticed your classmates tend to be shy about such matters. Sure, many will brag, but notice how they do not brag about their solitary pursuits in that area," Sirius giggles at that, "and how girls generally will not brag at all. These boys brag to show their manliness, they are actually quite likely to be lying. They do not share their real sexual world, nor should they in such a public manner. People often get as uncomfortable being exposed to others' sexuality as they do exposing their own. Does this all make sense so far?"

Sirius shook his head, pointing at his mouth. Professor McGonagall sighed and cast Finite Incantatum. "Go on," she said.

"I just don't see why. If it's supposed to be so much fun, why should anyone be uncomfortable?"

McGonagall gave him a shrewd look. "Perhaps it's too much fun," she said. "So much that people lose control over it. It's a vulnerability. People use it to manipulate others. _You_ use it to manipulate others."

"I do not!" Sirius cried indignantly.

"But you do. Do you not flirt to get your way? To convince someone to forgive a prank, for example?"

"I... But it's just flirting. It's not sex!"

"No, Sirius, but flirting is meant to appeal to people's sexual feelings."

"It is?" Sirius was genuinely confused. Then he blanched. She did not mention directly what he had said to _her_ , but he is not quite that forgetful. "Wait, Professor, I was joking, I didn't mean any such thing," he said, panicked.

"You have nothing to worry about, Black, just because flirting is somewhat sexual in nature does not mean it necessarily works," she replied dryly. "It is, however, inappropriate to flirt with a teacher. Certainly after being asked not to. One must never make sexual comments of any sort to anyone who has expressed their objection to it, or overtly sexual comments to anyone who has not expressed their consent."

Sirius nodded, taking it in. Suddenly, something else occurred to him. "So if a girl is flirting with me, that means she's trying to get me to have sex with her? If I flirt with a girl, she thinks I want to have sex with her?"

"Not necessarily directly, but yes."

"I... I'm not sure I want to flirt ever again."

"Flirting in itself is not bad, Mr. Black. It only becomes harassment if it's unwanted, too crude, aimed to humiliate, or between people who are on unequal footing."

"But Professor, I don't want people to think I'm propositioning them when I really didn't mean to. I'm generally just trying for attention really."

"As I said, a bit of flirting is not the same as a direct proposition. If it's not overtly sexual, it could be just a hint of interest in romance or kissing, which might lead to more sexual activities, which might lead to sex. The third year girl batting her eyelashes at you is most likely not thinking that far ahead, she just wants you to hold her hand and take her to Hogsmeade. Even if she _is_ thinking about sex, that doesn't mean she is ready to actually have it."

Sirius thought a little, and then spoke carefully. "Professor, the way you describe it, a lot of things that are not sex have an awful lot to do with sex."

"They do, Mr. Black. Don't worry, you are not the first student to be confused by it. Just try to remember others do not necessarily see things the same way you do, and seek advice."

"I'll try, Professor," he said. "What I still don't understand is why people make such a big deal of it all. Is it really about privacy?"

"And vulnerability. Some people are more vulnerable than others. Witches, for example, are still judged far more harshly for their sexuality than wizards. That's why you must take special care with witches, and etiquette rules are mostly geared to protect them rather than wizards. Another such group is homosexuals, for similar reasons. People who belong to these groups will feel more violated if touched or spoken to in a sexual way without their consent. Not that it means heterosexual wizards are fair game, of course."

"I'm sorry, Professor, you know I'm no fan of etiquette. I really thought it was just a bit of a laugh."

"Unfortunately it is not. This is not about empty etiquette, this is about people being actually hurt. Do you understand now?"

Sirius nodded. "I think I do."

"Good. I expect to see an improvement in your behavior from now on. Please come see me if you have any more questions."

"Yes, Professor. I really am sorry."

Professor McGonagall waved him off. "Get to class, Mr. Black, and do try to use your head when interacting with faculty and fellow students."

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, in charms, Sirius's mind was still reeling. He knew, theoretically, that Hogsmeade dates were meant to lead to sexual activities for upper year students. He also knew that in most cases they did not, so he never worried much about it. But he was just told that if sex didn't _happen_ , it didn't mean it was not _involved_. He'd gone to Hogsmeade with a girl here and there, because they'd asked and it made him look cool and James and Peter had dates and Remus wasn't even going. One of them even turned out to be good company and he asked her to the next Hogsmeade weekend as well, but after much awkwardness on parting, she told him she'd rather they were just friends. Had she expected sex? A kiss? He knew kisses were customary at the end of a date, had pecked his other dates as required, but he was actually having fun and forgot all about protocol. Only now did he realize what her awkward staring was about. When did sex stop being an activity and become this amorphous monster lurking around in every look and touch and messing with his fun? Across the aisle, a girl smiled at him, lowering her eyes and blushing. Sirius gave her an insincere smile and turned his head the other way, disturbed.

On his other side he could see James staring at Evans. He was always asking her out, claimed to be in love with her, did he also want to sleep with her? Sirius tore off a piece of parchment and wrote:

**_Do you want to sleep with Evans?_ **

He folded the parchment and tossed it onto James's desk. James opened it and turned to Sirius. "Piss off," he mouthed and banished the parchment. Perhaps, Sirius thought, this isn't the best time for this.

 

* * *

 

"What the fuck was that?" demanded James once they'd split from Remus and Peter on the way to Arithmancy.

"What was what?" asked Sirius.

"That note, you arse!"

"Just a question."

"For real?"

"Yes, for real. I'd still like to know, if you're willing to answer."

"You know what the answer is, Padfoot, so stop playing dumb."

"I really don't. I have a guess, I suppose, but I really don't."

"You're something else, Pads. Of course I want to sleep with her. She's gorgeous, isn't she?"

"So's my cousin Bellatrix, but you don't want to sleep with her," said Sirius, and then, suddenly unsure, added, "Right?"

"No, but she's fucking evil."

"Okay, what about McKinnon? She's beautiful. Do you want to sleep with her?"

"I'd sleep with Evans if she looked like McKinnon."

"Then it's not about looks then, is it?"

"I don't know how to explain it, Pads. It's everything about her, her passion, her pride, how fucking brilliant she is. And just... I'm in love with her. I want to do everything with her. It's the closest you could get to another person, y'know?"

Sirius didn't know. Was it the closest because technically there would be a part of his body in hers? French kissing would do it, then. But he didn't feel quite up for hearing any more about that. Instead, he asked a different question. "What about Davies? You were kissing her all over the place last year. Did you want to sleep with her?"

"Well, yeah. At the time. But also no, because it felt wrong."

"Because she wasn't Evans?"

"Yeah."

"Did you kiss her because you wanted to sleep with her?"

"No, I kissed her because I wanted to kiss her. But kissing her made me want to sleep with her, which made me want to kiss her more."

"So you were trying to get her to sleep with you by kissing her?"

"Nah, I told you. She wasn't Lily."

"Then why did wanting to sleep with her make you want to kiss her more?"

"Merlin, Pads, you really are obtuse. I wanted to kiss her more because kissing her was hot. Just because I don't want to go all the way with a girl doesn't mean I can't enjoy _some_ sexy stuff with her."

There it was again. Suddenly kisses were kind of sex? Maybe, sometimes? "Why is everything sex?" he mumbled irritably.

"What?"

"Oh, sorry Prongs, just thinking out loud."

James shoved him. "Weirdo."

"Prat," said Sirius, smiling. It went better than he expected. James obviously thought he was off his rocker, but he didn't mock him, not really, and he wasn't angry about the note anymore. "Thanks," he said, putting his arm around James's shoulder. James just gave him a weird look.

 

* * *

 

"Petey, my good man!" Sirius exclaimed, putting his arm around said boy's shoulder.

"Uh, yes Padfoot?"

"I need some assistance on a very important matter. No, advice! Information! This is all very top secret, of course."

"Are you alright Sirius?" asked Peter, looking concerned.

"Fine, fine. But see, I need some information. I talked to Prongs of course but he is entirely useless with girls, and if I remember correctly, you mentioned shagging one?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Which one was it? The pimply one?"

"Uh, I don't think I should tell."

"Peter, I am hurt. Does our friendship mean nothing to you?"

"I..."

"Fine, fine, alright, it's not important. What I need to know is, how different is kissing to sex?"

"Uh, well, it involves different body parts," said Peter, who appeared perplexed with the question.

"Yes, of course, I'm not stupid, Pete," said Sirius impatiently. "But is it as exciting? As pleasant? Does it make you think of sex?"

"Oh," said Peter, looking almost surprised that there was an actual point to the conversation. "Well, it can be as exciting, more even."

"How come?"

"Sometimes sex is not so great. It can get awkward, it's kinda complicated. Kissing's much easier."

"Why would you want to have sex then?"

"Because when it's good it's really good, and you can't get off on kissing. Not just kissing, that is."

"People get off on kissing?"

"Don't you? I mean, after a good snog, if that's as far as we're going, I usually want to... you know," Peter mumbled, blushing.

"Huh."

"Really? You never wank after dates?"

"Nah. Kissing can be nice, but it doesn't tickle the trouser snake."

"Maybe you don't like girls?"

"Maybe."

"Wait, really?" said Peter, eyes wide.

"Don't get too excited, Wormtail, that doesn't mean I like boys."

"But you gotta like something!" said Peter, and then, belatedly, "Hey!"

"Don't pretend like you weren't intrigued," said Sirius with a sly smile. "I'm way better looking than Moony."

"W-What's Moony got to do with this?"

"Oh, nothing at all. I just happen to know you found him exciting enough."

Peter looked panicked, and Sirius took pity on him. "Relax, I didn't tell anyone."

"Did he-"

"Nah, he wouldn't sell you out. Discreet, that bastard is. I smelled it on his bed. You two are kind of obvious anyway, a bit too touchy feely."

"It's nothing like that, I just wanted to get off, and Moony's a bit of a slag, I guess."

"Don't call him that!" cried Sirius indignantly.

"I don't mean it like that," Peter hastened to explain, "just that he likes it and doesn't mind much who his partner is."

"Oh." Those weren't bad things, were they? "Wait, if he doesn't care who his partner is, I wonder who he's been with?"

"Why do you care?"

"What if it's Snivellus?"

Peter looked horrified. "Do you think he would?"

"Well, not anymore he wouldn't, but maybe before," said Sirius, alluding to the incident which soured even Remus's almost civil relationship with Snape. "He didn't use to like it much when we were giving Snivelly a hard time."

"Ew," said Peter, and then, belatedly, sent a stinging hex Sirius's way.

Sirius ignored the hex. "I'm gonna ask him."

"What? Sirius, he's not going to tell!"

"I'll make him tell. I'll seduce it out of him!"

Peter snorted. "Good luck. If it's Snape, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

Sirius was halfway out the door by the time Peter finished his sentence. He was curious about who Remus's partners were, but he doubted Snape would have passed up the opportunity to mention such a thing if it had happened. Really, his mind was still on kissing. It's not sex because you can't get off on it alone, but it kind of is because people do get off on it. Or it's sexy because people get off on it? Is that what they mean by sexy? Sirius knew, in general, which things, people and acts were sexy. But he mostly thought of them as a specific kind of attractive, playful and a bit naughty. He never really thought that people were getting boners and wanking to that stuff. He wondered if any girls flicked their bean to memories of his Patented Sexy Smirk. It seemed silly that he hadn't thought of it. Stupid, stupid Sirius. Time to test it out.

 

* * *

 

He found Remus in the library at a table in the back.

"Hey Pads," Remus greeted him. "Whatcha doing here?"

"I study," said Sirius, offended.

"What are you here to study, then?

"Uh," said Sirius, not wanting to admit his lie, "human sexuality?"

"If you have a date, you should have it in some other section, I'm studying here."

"No, for real, Moony. Are there any books on it?" He hadn't planned to consult any books, but why not?

"Not in this library, I'm afraid. I could take you to a muggle library next summer if you like, they'll have something."

"Checked, have you?" said Sirius, smirking. Very nearly the Patented Sexy Smirk, but not just yet.

Remus colored, but spoke casually. "I might have."

"Naughty Moony," said Sirius gleefully.

"Mind you, if it's charms you're after, you can always improvise. If you're good, I'll tell you how to make your wand vibrate," said Remus, grinning.

"Remus Lupin, is that innuendo?"

Remus erupted in laughter. "Actually, it isn't. I mean your actual wand. It's a useful charm if you're into witches at all."

"Perhaps not so useful for me, then," said Sirius, aiming for casual.

Remus froze. "Really?" he asked.

"I guess. I dunno, Wormtail claims I might find snogging more exciting if I try boys."

"Offered himself, has he?" said Remus. He sounded casual but Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, looking for traces of jealousy.

"No, actually," he replied. "Good thing too. He's a good sort but it would just be too bloody weird, and he's quite funny looking. Don't know what you see in him."

"Excuse me?" said Remus, flustered.

"Oh, I know about your little hobby," said Sirius, smirking. "Quite a mismatched pair, if you ask me. You're much more attractive. You can do better."

"What makes you think I don't do better already?" said Remus, affronted. "I happen to have some very attractive lovers, but Pete's fun enough." Sirius made a face at that. "Anyway," Remus added, "he's a friend and I don't need to hide from him. It's nice."

"Hide... Wait, how do you hide your scars when you're getting off with random people? Moony, that can be dangerous!"

"Now he remembers," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Relax, Padfoot, I've been doing it for a while. Mostly I focus on things that don't require many clothes removed, in locations where it's prudent to keep them on because of the high chance of discovery. If someone gets handsy, I pin their wrists above their head and spout some rubbish about how I like to be in charge. That usually distracts them." Remus smirked.

"Oh," said Sirius. That was, perhaps, a little more information than he wanted to hear. Luckily, Remus seemed to have sensed his discomfort and changed the subject.

"So why were you looking for books on human sexuality?"

"Just curious. McGoogles said I wasn't the first student to be confused about it, but I got the distinct impression all the others were second year girls."

"Don't worry Pads, I was plenty confused too."

"In second year?"

Remus looked abashed. "Well, yes," he admitted.

"Second year girls and queer second year boys, then. I'm still three years behind."

"Judging by how often you play with yourself in the common room, I'd say you're about ten years behind," said Remus, smirking at him.

"Hey," cried Sirius indignantly. "I haven't done that in ages!"

"You have, actually. We just stopped mentioning it. We throw things at your head instead."

Sirius's cheeks colored. "It's not like I do it on purpose," he protested, "I don't even notice I'm doing it!"

"My point exactly. To be honest, though, you're not missing much. It can be quite an annoying distraction. Risky, too, in my case."

"Wormtail says it can feel really good, though."

"That may be true, but it gets so good I feel like I'm losing control, which is dangerous and scary."

"Huh," said Sirius. "That's what McGonagall said."

"Professor McGonagall said I lose control during sex?" asked Remus, eyes twinkling.

"Not you personally, you prat. And not during, necessarily, I don't think. Just that sex stuff makes people feel vulnerable because it's so good they lose control over it. Also ew. You're not actually sleeping with her, are you?"

"What do you think?" Remus said, and then sighed. "No, I'm not. You know, Pads, I used to think you were being deliberately obtuse about these things, but now I'm not so sure."

"Neither am I, Moony, neither am I."

Only later did he realize he'd forgotten all about his silly little seduction plan. Oh well, he didn't really mean it, and it's not like he'd know what to do if he succeeded.

 

* * *

 

On Saturday morning, Sirius woke up late. James and Peter were gone, but Remus was sitting on his bed and reading. He looked cozy, wrapped in a soft sweater and a blanket. "Morning," he said, not looking up at Sirius.

Sirius was having none of that. He jumped out of bed, leaping towards Remus's. He transformed mid-leap, tackling Remus and licking his face.

"Stop it, you mutt!" cried Remus, laughing. "If there's one thing worse than dog breath, it's dog morning breath!"

As Remus shot a breath freshening charm at him, Sirius transformed back, grinning. As a boy, he realized, his position straddling Remus, face close to his, looked much more suspicious, and he hurriedly got off of him and stretched out next to him instead. "What are you up to?" he asked.

"What do you think? Homework."

Sirius looked at the textbook Remus was holding and groaned. "History of Magic? But that's boring!"

"Still needs to be done."

"Boring," said Sirius and burrowed into Remus's side. Remus reached down to stroke his hair, and continued his reading. Sirius hummed contentedly, letting his mind drift. He could have kissed Remus. Perhaps he should have. Maybe boys would be more exciting. But shouldn't he be excited at the prospect, in that case? He wasn't particularly excited about it, but he did want to. Would it be so different to licking his face as Padfoot? He thought about kissing James instead. James was better looking, but James also insisted he was straight. In some ways, that seemed safer. James wouldn't think about it in a sexual way. He wouldn't push Sirius farther than he was comfortable because of misinterpretation of his actions, because he wouldn't be interested. But on the other hand, was there a point in kissing people who weren't interested? Who would not be excited themselves? In all honesty, Sirius would probably want to kiss Remus even if Remus was merely indifferent about it. Would prefer it, probably, because it would be safer. James, though, he didn't really want to kiss. Just out of curiosity. Not cuddle, either. Just hug sometimes, and tussle a lot. He came to a decision.

"Hey, Moony?" he said, sitting up.

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Remus regarded him for a moment, saying nothing. Sirius could almost see the cogs turning in his head, trying to figure out why Sirius would ask such a thing.

"Just one kiss, to see how I like it," he clarified.

"Alright."

That was when Sirius started feeling excited. He grinned at Remus. Then he swooped down on him, pecking his lips briefly, and leaned back again. He felt happy.

"Was it to your liking?" asked Remus.

"I - Yeah."

"Was that all," said Remus, "or would you like me to show you a bit more?"

"Oh," said Sirius, blushing. He had kissed Remus, but Remus hadn't had a chance to kiss back. Perhaps it would be better, being kissed by Remus. Perhaps he meant French kissing? The thought made him nervous, but he was determined to get the full experience. "Uh, yeah. Please do."

"Come here, then," said Remus, angling himself towards Sirius and placing one hand on his cheek.

Sirius leaned forward again, but let Remus close the final distance. Remus didn't stick his tongue in Sirius's mouth, but he gradually increased the pressure of his lips on Sirius's, and then moved them slightly higher to suck on Sirius's upper lip before letting his lips go slack. It felt nice. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus's shoulder and pulled him closer. Perhaps the best part about kissing Remus was that this was now allowed. Remus wrapped both arms around Sirius and rested his forehead against his.

"Alright?" he asked.

"Alright," said Sirius. He wanted to lie them down, take a nap all wrapped up in Remus's arms. He wasn't sure if that was allowed, though. Then he heard steps coming up the stairs. He tackled Remus, transforming back into Padfoot. Remus held him tight through the change, and didn't let go. By the time Peter came into the dorm, Sirius was back to licking Remus's face, just like he'd been doing fifteen minutes before.

"Padfoot, there you are!" said Peter. "Prongs was looking for you, you have Quidditch!"

Sirius growled, cursing James for guilting him into rejoining the team. He didn't want to leave Remus's embrace, and he didn't want to leave him alone with Peter. Remus let go of him, pushing him off. "Go on, I'll come watch if you like," he told Sirius.

Sirius, brightening, transformed, changed into his Quidditch gear and bounded down the stairs, Peter and Remus trailing behind.

 

* * *

 

That night, Sirius couldn't sleep. He got up quietly, walking up to Remus's bed.

"Mooney, are you up?"

Remus drew back his curtain. He was under the covers, a book open on his chest. "What's up Pads?"

"Can't sleep. Can I come in?"

Remus nodded, and Sirius climbed into the bed with him. Hesitantly, he threw an arm over Remus's belly. "This okay?" he asked.

Remus threw an arm over Sirius in response, putting away the book.

"I liked the kissing," said Sirius.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'd like to do it some more."

"Do you think you should try other boys maybe?"

"You don't want to?" asked Sirius dejectedly.

"I do, but you wanted to experiment, right? It'll be a pretty bad experiment if you only try one boy."

"I guess. But Moony, I kissed you because I wanted to. I don't know if I want to experiment with someone I don't want to kiss."

"What do you mean, you wanted to?"

"Just did."

"Was it exciting?"

"Yeah, a bit."

Remus inhaled sharply.

"Not like sexually exciting," Sirius hastened to explain. "Not like Prongs says kissing makes him want to have sex. Just - just very happy."

Remus was silent for a while, and Sirius worried if perhaps he had offended him. He couldn't help it, though. It was the truth.

"Actually," Remus said finally, speaking slowly, "just a couple of kisses won't necessarily turn someone on."

"Do you want to try more kissing?" asked Sirius nervously.

"Do you? This is your experiment."

"O-okay."

It came more naturally to him now. He lifted his arm from Remus's belly to his neck, holding the back of his head, and kissed him. Remus mirrored him, opening his mouth slightly and licking Sirius's lips. It felt slick and kind of amazing. Sirius tried licking back, and was rewarded with Remus's tongue over his own, and Remus's fingers pulling on his hair lightly. Being allowed to lick was pretty great, and smelling Remus all around him made him sigh contentedly. He pressed closer to Remus, tangling their legs together. The warmth was divine. He froze, however, when he felt something hard against his thigh. Remus's cock.  
Did that mean Remus would want to have sex now? Sirius didn't want that, but he also didn't want to lead Remus on. He broke the kiss and nuzzled into Remus's neck.

"We should probably sleep," he said.

"Really?" said Remus, incredulous. "You're going to sleep now?"

"I can sleep in my own bed, if you like."

"Well, yes, I don't think I'll be able to sleep if you stay in here, you absolute nut," said Remus affectionately and still somewhat disbelievingly.

Sirius looked up at Remus. "I'm sorry if I led you on," he said quietly.

"What? No, Pads, that's not what I meant, I'm just surprised, is all. Don't worry about it, you didn't lead me on or anything like that. You're allowed to change your mind and I'm sorry if I made it sound like you weren't or like you owed me anything. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. Just, take it as a compliment that I'm a little disappointed, yeah?"

"I didn't mean to disappoint you, Moony. I just wanted to kiss and cuddle."

"Pads, I'm glad I got to kiss and cuddle with you. Thrilled. An amazing snog plus a little disappointment is much better than no amazing snog at all, so all in all I'd say it's a win. Now go to sleep and we'll talk in the morning."

Sirius blushed at the compliment. Mollified, he climbed out of the bed, leaning back to kiss Remus on the cheek. He was glad no one else was awake to see him acting so soft, but he was so happy and kissing Remus made him feel good. "Good night," he whispered.

"Good night," said Remus, smiling at him.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Sirius could not get a moment alone with Remus. James wanted to plan a prank and Sirius ended up running all around the castle setting up. After lunch, however, James conveniently decided to go flying. Peter gave Sirius a suspicious look when he begged off, claiming a headache, but went along with him anyway. Remus, as usual, pleaded homework. When James and Peter left, Sirius was lying in his bed with his curtains drawn. He was just about to have a peek and see what Remus was up to, when He heard Remus uttering a locking charm. A moment later, he was knocking on Sirius's bedpost. "May I come in?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, opened the curtain, and pulled him down onto the bed on top of himself.

"Uh, hi, Sirius. I thought we were going to talk today?"

Sirius was thrilled to see Remus was blushing. When did that stop being intimidating and became an indicator of success? "Talking is overrated," he said, smirking, and then let a full grin blossom on his face and squeezed Remus tightly.

Remus nuzzled his ear. "Not that I'm not happy, but I'd really like to know. What is this?"

"This?"

"This. You and me and snogging and all that."

"I - I don't know?" said Sirius, truthfully. "I guess I like you."

"You guess?"

"I don't think I like you any more than before, but I liked you heaps before and now I get to touch you a lot too, and that makes me happy," Sirius explained. "And I don't have to transform to lick you!" he exclaimed gleefully, demonstrating his point by licking along Remus's jaw.

Remus gasped. "That - that's nice. So it's not just a friendly experiment then? You want me?"

"Do _you_?" Sirius deflected, nervous about the wording of the question.

Remus gave Sirius a look which did not alleviate his concerns in the least. "Yeah," he said breathlessly, "I want you."

Sirius squirmed a little. "I don't, exactly," he said, and then continued quickly when he saw Remus's crestfallen and confused expression. "I mean I don't want to do sex stuff. I like touching you, but your face just now... I've never felt like that about anyone. Maybe you'll be the first, some day, but not yet. And maybe not. Maybe I'll always be a cuddly, face-licking freak."

"You're not a freak, Sirius," said Remus, his expression one of concern.

"I am, though. Look at you, all experienced, and I'm afraid of a little leer like a first year."

Remus propped himself up on his elbow and took Sirius's hand. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not surprised, or that I know what to do or say. But I care about you and I'm very attracted to you and if you'll have me, I'd be glad to kiss and cuddle and be cute with you even if you're not ready for sex."

"Moony," said Sirius, pained, "I don't know that I ever will be."

"What I said last night is still true, even if every time is like that. What we did was great. I'm not going to focus on what we don't do."

"But I can't give you what you want."

"It's not _all_ I want, Sirius."

"So you'll be with other people too?" he hesitated. "Like Peter?"

"I could. I don't have to, though. I could take care of things myself. As long as you don't mind if I - " Remus paused, blushing " - if I think of you."

Sirius didn't know what to say.

"It's just that you ran off yesterday," Remus explained. "Is it going to be a problem if I'm turned on by what we do? Because I don't think I could possibly not be."

"I don't know," said Sirius, truthfully. "I just thought you'd want stuff I didn't want."

"I did want it, but I don't have to get everything I want. I would have liked to snog you and want you a little longer."

"I thought maybe you'd get blue balls or something."

Remus laughed. "If there's ever any danger of that, I'll just send you off and take care of it. Don't worry about it, it's happened before."

"Really?" Sirius hadn't even been sure if blue balls were a real thing.

"You wouldn't believe how randy a werewolf can get just before the moon."

"Huh."

"Now, if you don't mind, I'll be back in a few minutes to snog you properly," Remus said, grinning. "All this talk gave me a bit of an early start."

Sirius just stared at Remus, who gave him a lingering kiss and disappeared behind the curtain. What just happened here, he thought, bewildered.

 

* * *

 

They fell into a pattern. They'd cuddle and snog in Remus's bed, and if Remus felt overwhelmed by desire, Sirius would leave for his own bed, where Remus would follow him after taking care of business. It was actually quite exhilarating, sitting on his bed, staring at Remus's drawn curtains and knowing he was the one who'd riled him up enough to require it.

One Sunday afternoon Sirius was doing just that, when James and Peter barged into the dorm.

"There you are Pads!" exclaimed James, a manic grin on his face. "Where's moony?"

"We think we found - " Peter started saying, but stopped when Sirius stepped in front of James, who was about to reach for Remus's bed curtains.

"Now is not a good time, Prongs," said Sirius.

"Why, what's he doing in there?"

"Sleeping!" Sirius blurts out frantically.

"Oh, right," said James. "The moon's coming up."

"I bet you've already woken him up with your screaming," said Peter, "so he might as well hear about it."

"What if he wants to go back to sleep?" countered Sirius.

"Alright, we'll fill him in later," said James impatiently and grabbed Sirius's hand, "c'mon!"

Sirius glanced towards Remus's bed, panicked. "I can't go anywhere! I have to..." he drew a blank there.

"Padfoot, are you ok?" asked Peter.

"Fine. I mean, no! Terrible back pain, I should lie down right away," Sirius blurted out, and threw himself on the bed, adding a dramatic moan of pain.

 James and Peter looked at him skeptically, and he knew they didn't believe him. He closed his eyes and wished the floor would swallow him. Suddenly, Remus's curtain was pulled back.

"What's going on?" said Remus, faking a yawn.

"Padfoot's being weird and we found a new tunnel!" said Peter.

"Is he?"

"Says he has a back ache," said James.

"Oh, good thing I know a spell for that," said Remus, and Sirius could hear the smirk in his voice. "Turn over, Pads."

Sirius opened one eye and glared at him suspiciously. Remus grabbed at his shoulder and bodily flipped him over over the sound his protests. He tapped his wand to Sirius's lower back and muttered something. Sirius nearly choked. It felt like invisible hands were tickling his sides. He could barely contain his giggles as he did his best to kick Remus in the groin.

"Feeling better?" asked Remus innocently as he stepped back.

"Much," Sirius bit out. Remus muttered another incantation, which Sirius was now sure was just "Finite", and the tickling stopped.

"So where is that tunnel?" asked Remus lightly as he turned to James and Peter. If he was hit with a few stinging hexes during the night, James and Peter were none the wiser.

 

* * *

 

"Do you think we should tell them?" asked Remus one night when they were cuddling in Sirius's bed.

"What do we tell them, though?" countered Sirius. He knew who they were talking about, of course, and the generality of what, but the specifics were not so obvious. "It's not like we've been on dates, and we're not shagging."

"I don't think there have to be actual dates for our relationship to be considered dating," said Remus. "Not that I'd mind."

"You wouldn't?"

"Well, I'd rather the whole school didn't know, so no Hogsmeade dates, but we could sneak out for picnics and such. I'm sure I can think of a few ways to show you a good time," said Remus with a smirk.

"Must you make it sound so dirty?"

"Oh, but it is. Or would you have me believe you can make chocolates with me and stay spotless?"

 "That does sound like fun," said Sirius, perking up. "Do I get to feed them to you after?"

"If you like. Although I might need alone time sooner than usual if you do that."

"We'll just have to do that part back in the dorm, then," said Sirius, grinning.

"So is it settled, then? We tell them we're dating?"

Sirius smiled. "Yeah. How about we tell them to bugger off tomorrow afternoon because we have a date?" All four of them had Wednesday afternoons off, and usually spent them together, plotting, studying or talking about nothing in particular in the dorm or common room.

"Shock value. I like it," Remus said, grinning.

The next afternoon, Remus came in from ancient runes with a picnic basket on his arm. Sirius brightened when he saw him, and got to his feet. "See ya lads," he said cheerily, "Moony and I have a date." He took Remus's elbow, who waved jauntily at James and Peter's shocked faces, and they left the common room, collapsing in giggles outside the portrait hole.

"Do you think they believed it?" Remus asked.

"Probably," Sirius replied, "they knew about your liking boys, and Peter was the one who suggested it for me. Everyone else probably thinks it's a joke, though. So what's in the basket anyway?"

Remus lifted the cover to reveal a bottle of firewhisky, a container of turkey legs and a pack of cigarettes. "There's also chocolate cake."

"You really are a romantic," said Sirius, grinning widely.

 

* * *

 

Sirius had a strong feeling of déjà vu. "Now is not a good time to bother Moony," he told James. "He's asleep."

"Is he really," said James, reaching for the curtain behind Sirius's shoulder.

"Will you piss off already?" Sirius hissed, pushing James towards the door.

"Is he wanking in there?" asked James curiously.

"I bet he is," said Peter. "If he's wanking in there, what were you doing just sitting there? That's so weird."

"Yeah, he's your boyfriend, isn't he?" said James.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," said Sirius pointedly.

"I _am_ wanking in here," came Remus's voice from behind the curtains, "and you're breaking my concentration. So unless one of you is going to help me out, piss off!"

Sirius glanced worriedly at Peter, who was staring right at him.

"I take it back," came Remus's voice again. "I don't want any help from you, now piss off. And stop being jealous, Pads. Just get them out of here."

Regretfully, Sirius complied. They went to the kitchens in search of snacks.

"Are you really jealous, Pads?" asked James.

"Kind of. I don't want to talk about it." Sirius wasn't going to tell James about Peter and Remus without their consent just to explain it.

"He was joking, though," said Peter.

Sirius sighed. "I don't know that he was," he said.

"Why aren't you up there with him anyway?"

"I was, but then you sods came in and started making trouble."

"Yeah, but," said Peter, slowly, "why weren't you in the bed with him?"

Sirius looked around. The corridor was empty. "Don't tell anyone, yeah?"

Peter and James both nodded.

Sirius took a deep breath. "I don't really want to do sex stuff. I don't really get it, it doesn't do anything for me and even freaks me out a bit."

"Mate," said James, "are you sure you like boys? Maybe you just like Moony as a friend and you're confused?"

"No, I remember," said Peter, to Sirius's surprise. "You told me you thought maybe you didn't like girls, but you didn't like boys either. I didn't believe you, never heard of such a thing, but I guess you know better about your own bloody self. Sorry, mate."

"Thanks, Pete." It felt good to be believed and accepted.

James still looked confused, though. "So you don't like girls. Fine. But if you don't like boys either, why are you dating Moony?"

"I don't want to do sex stuff with boys or girls. But that's not all there is to liking someone, is it? I don't just like Moony as a friend, I want to kiss him and cuddle with him and go on silly picnic dates with him," Sirius explained. "Which I do," he added with a smug grin.

"Oh," said James. Then he grinned. "Weirdo," he said, getting Sirius in a headlock that closely resembled a hug. Sirius smiled.

 

* * *

 

Sirius finally had everything figured out. He wasn't interested in sex, and that was okay. Okay with him, with his boyfriend, and with his friends. Naturally, this was just the time for a series of incidents to raise some doubts in his mind.

The first occurred on a perfectly normal evening, a few days after the moon, when Sirius and Remus were cuddling in Remus's bed as usual. Sirius was feeling especially restless and wriggly. He burrowed into Remus's neck, kissing it and caressing his ribs and hip.

"Let's take our shirts off," he said. "Topless cuddles are much better than clothed cuddles."

Remus smiled, and took off his own shirt. Then he reached out, smoothing his hands over Sirius's sides under his shirt, lifting it over his head. Sirius sighed at the touch and brought his chest against Remus's, kissing his lips while Remus finished untangling the shirt from his arms. Once he had use of his arms again, Sirius ran his hands over Remus's bare back, holding him close. He pushed his tongue into Remus's mouth, enjoying the slick sensation. He pushed his hips into Remus's as well, seeking as much contact as possible, no longer intimidated by the idea of finding an erection. And find one he did. Remus groaned and pushed back a little. "Steady," said Sirius, and reached his hands to still Remus's hips.

"Sorry," said Remus, panting.

"S'okay," said Sirius, and licked at Remus's neck.

"Oh," said Remus, pulling away. "Oh Sirius, that's a bit much."

"D'you need a moment?"

"Yeah," said Remus, a little calmer but still beautifully flushed, "I'll be right there."

"Actually," said Sirius shyly, "um."  

"What is it, Pads?"

"Can I - Moony, can I stay?"

"You mean..."

"I want to see"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. If it's too much, I'll go."

"Okay."

Remus looked right at him as he lowered his pants and started stroking his cock. Sirius stared, fascinated. Remus moaned loudly. Sirius smiled.

"Sometimes," Remus said suddenly, "when you - ah! - go wait in your bed, I pretend the silencing charm failed. I pretend you can hear me."

Sirius bit his lip, contemplating whether he should say anything. "It has failed, actually," he confessed finally. "Twice."

"Why didn't you say?"

"I didn't mind. It's like watching you smile, another way to know you're happy."

"Is that why you're here now?"

"That too. It's just so intimate, isn't it? I spend my days wanting to crawl under your skin, so how can I keep missing this?"

Remus smiled. "I'm glad you're here. It's quite hot, actually."

Sirius beamed back. "Good".

Remus sped up his hand, using his other hand to fondle his balls. He groaned, never taking his eyes off of Sirius. Sirius didn't blink. A few more strokes, and Remus was coming. Sirius cast a cleaning charm on him and lay down half on top of him, content. "You're beautiful," he whispered. "Mm," said Remus, and promptly fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

The next time it happened, Sirius noticed first. He pressed down a bit, just to make sure, and Remus groaned. Triumphant, he sat up excitedly.

"Do you need a minute? Can I stay again?" He asked, already moving to the foot of the bed to watch.

Remus looked unsure. Sirius's face fell.

"Never mind, I can go". He had his hand on the curtain when Remus spoke.

"Don't go. Just, can you maybe get back here? I'm not asking you to help," he explained hurriedly, "just, maybe hold me?"

Sirius stayed frozen for a moment, and then moved towards the headboard. He pushed Remus forward and squeezed into the space between Remus and the headboard, his legs on either side of him. He wrapped his hands around Remus, and leaned his head against his. "Alright?"

"Yeah," said Remus breathily. "Perfect." Sirius could feel Remus's right arm moving, so he moved his own right arm underneath it, and placed his palm on Remus's belly, his left arm tightening around his shoulders and neck, drawing him close.

"Ahh!" Remus cried out, throwing his head back on his shoulder.

Sirius loosened his grip, but Remus hastened to clarify: "Don't, 's good like that".

Feeling out of his depth, Sirius occupied himself with planting small kisses on Remus's cheek, ear and neck. Remus reacted beautifully, and Sirius filled with warmth. He nearly cried with the love that enveloped him, tightening his hold yet again. "I love you," he whispered, just as Remus started shaking and came over his own hand.  He loosened his hold on Remus again and rested his head forward on his shoulder, overwhelmed.

After a couple of minutes, Remus stirred. "Pads," he said, turning halfway in his arms to kiss him briefly, "that was amazing."

"Yes," Sirius replied, "it was".

"But you're not..."

"Turned on? No. That tends to be disconnected from any sex stuff that might be happening."

"So you don't want me to..."

"Touch me? No. You could try, I don't know. If you rub it it'll probably work."

"You don't sound too excited."

"No. It feels good, but it's not nearly as amazing as watching you and being close to you. Do you like it better when I'm with you?"

Remus laughed. "About a million times better."

"I'd probably just be embarrassed."

"Alright, then I won't."

"We could try some other time maybe?"

"Pads, only if you want. Now let's go to sleep."

Sirius fell asleep with the hugest smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

Then Sirius went and fell off his broom, breaking both arms like in some clichéd story. Just before Madam Pomfrey kicked his friends out for the night, Sirius asked Remus for a word in private.

"Sneak back in later and give me a hand, will ya?" he whispered in his ear.

"With what?" asked Remus, confused.

Sirius just raised one eyebrow. Comprehension dawned in Remus's eyes.

"Wait, really?"

Sirius nodded. It wasn't really important, but he did sleep better after he'd had a wank, and Remus would surely like it, and the thrill of getting up to some mischief in the hospital wing didn't hurt either.

"Are you sure?" asked Remus hesitantly.

"Yes, now go!"

An hour later, Remus was sitting on the side of his bed with his hand on Sirius's cock. Sirius was hard and it felt good, but he could tell Remus was hoping for more enthusiasm. "Why don't you touch yourself at the same time," he suggested.

"No, Pads, this is about you. Tell me how I can make it better, or if there's just no point. I can tell you don't like it all that much. How do I make this more than just a bedtime wank?"

Sirius sighed. "I like it fine, Moony, that's why I asked you to do it, but this is all it's going to be for me. You _like_ this. Let yourself enjoy it. Please."

Remus gave him a disappointed look, but then nodded and unbuttoned his flies. Sirius was pleased when his face took on an immediate look of bliss, but then Remus seemed to hesitate.

"What is it, Re?"

"Can I... I want to put it in my mouth."

Sirius balked. "It's a bit disgusting, though, isn't it?"

Both of Remus's hands stopped moving. "You don't think it's disgusting when we kiss," he said huffily.

"Not your mouth, you idiot. Putting it _there_."

Remus looked at Sirius's cock. When he looked back up, his expression looked like something out of a dirty magazine. "Not for me it isn't," he said. "To me you look delicious."

"Can you just scourgify it first? And... I'll close my eyes."

"Pads, I won't do it if it disgusts you."

"It's okay. I want to try. Just, you'll stop if I ask, right?"

"Of course," said Remus, looking a bit offended, but hastily fumbling for his wand and pronouncing the incantation. The look on his face when he eyed Sirius's cock almost made it worth it, just for that. Sirius closed his eyes just on time, right before Remus's hand returned to his cock, and he felt something warm and wet at the tip. He refused to think of it as a tongue. Instead, he focused on the sensation, and with the addition of the fascinating little noises Remus was making, it was just enough to keep his mind off the method and on the pleasure. Just when his balls started to tighten, Remus started to get sloppy, and the noises he was making grew louder. Soon he stopped the movement altogether, just sucking hard and convulsing in Sirius's lap. His mouth went slack and Sirius opened his eyes and watched him catch his breath on top of him. Finally, Remus took his mouth off of Sirius's cock and looked up.

"Thank you," he said. "That was... wow."

"I still think it's weird," Sirius told him, "but it feels good."

"So you don't mind?"

"Well, sometimes. Okay?"

"Sure," said Remus, "but for now, I better finish up here". He took Sirius's cock, still spit-slick, in his hand again. "Sorry," he said with a small smile as he started stroking, "I got distracted".

Sirius grinned at him fondly. A minute later, he was spilling in Remus's hand. Remus had a sappy look on his face Sirius recognized from having worn it himself just a few nights before. Perhaps he should let Remus do this more often. "Th'ks, Re," he mumbled, feeling suddenly sleepy, "Love ya". Remus said something, Sirius by now beyond processing what exactly, and kissed his forehead. The last thing he felt before drifting away was the cleaning charm on his skin, and his pajamas and covers being pulled up.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, James visited alone, still sweaty from the early Quidditch practice Sirius missed. Sirius took the opportunity to freak out.

"Shit, James, I don't know what that means. I mean, that's sex, right? I had sex."

"Oral sex. Not the same as sex," said James.

"Isn't it? What's sex then? A cock in a fanny? Neither of us has one."

"A cock in something."

"A mouth is something."

"Yeah, but you weren't- actually, never mind," said James. "I don't need too much detail and it's not important. Did you like it?"

Sirius thought about it for a moment. "It wasn't bad," he said finally. "A bit weird, but still felt good. And I liked that _he_ liked it."

"Do you want to do it again?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I really hope Remus doesn't _expect_ me to do it again, though. I might want to again, but I might not."

"Are you worried he'll expect you to do it again because you've already done it?" asked James.

Sirius nodded.

"Pads, I don't know this for sure, but it seems to me you two wouldn't have lasted until now if he wasn't any good at accepting no. Am I wrong? Has he been giving you trouble? Do you need me to sort him out for you?"

Sirius shook his head, smiling. "No need to sort anyone out. Moony's the perfect gentleman, you know that. I'm just worried I might be leading him on."

"Then talk to him about it."

"What if he expects me to not just keep on doing it, but also keep on doing more new sex things?"

"First of all, I'm sure he doesn't, but again, talk to him. Tell him you don't want to."

And that was perhaps what Sirius feared most. If he'd been entirely sure he didn't want to, it would have been easy. But what if he's lying to himself? What if he's just being childish? "What if I do want to?" he blurted out. "What if I keep wanting more until I want to do everything just like everyone else?"

"Would that be so bad?" asked James.

"I'd certainly feel like a right prat for having made such a fuss of it before."

"Nah, you're allowed to not want to do stuff now even if you end up liking it later," said James. Then the corner of his mouth quirked a little. "I promise I won't say 'I told you so', if that's what you're worried about."

"It just feels wrong when I think about it."

"Then it won't happen, or it will feel right when it does. Worry about it then. And for now, think back to last night's adventure. Take a moment, close your eyes." Sirius huffed at that, but did close his eyes. "Does it make you feel hot under the collar? Sorry you don't have use of your right hand?" Sirius could hear the smirk in James's voice.

"No," said Sirius, frowning, and opened his eyes again.

James sniggered. "There you go, then. Nothing to worry about, Black, you're still a freak," he said, and then added, grinning, "And I mean that in the best possible way."

"Piss off," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. Despite himself, he was smiling. He felt much better.

"I think I will, thank you. Time to wash the slime off. I'll send Moony your way."

 

* * *

 

Sirius couldn't bring himself to mention his doubts that morning, but he got another chance in the evening. By bedtime all traces of Skele-Gro pain were gone and Sirius was back in the dorm, cuddled up with Remus as usual. They were kissing slowly, shirts off, Sirius not having bothered to put on a pajama shirt in the first place. Sirius could tell Remus was starting to get excited. This is the moment, he told himself, and pulled back a little to look at Remus.

"Hey, Moony?"

"Yeah, Pads?"

"About what we did last night, and all the stuff we've been doing lately."

"Yes, love?"

"I just feel like I've been giving up too much of myself. It's okay, I enjoyed what we did together, but I want to do it a little less often. I don't want to do it today."

"Sure, love. You want to stay and cuddle a little longer?"

Sirius smiled and nodded. It was that easy. He burrowed into Remus's neck. Something was still bothering him, though.

"But don't you want to do those things?" he asked.

"Sure," said Remus and kissed the top of Sirius's head, "but I'll live."

Sirius took a deep breath before he spoke. "You can do them with other people," he said.

Remus laughed. "Are you joking? You're the most possessive person I know. You'll make a scene the moment I try it. Hell, you just about make a scene every time I stay alone in the dorm with Peter, and I'm not doing anything with him anymore."

"Don't tell me, then," said Sirius stubbornly. "If I don't know, I can't get jealous."

"Oh, no," said Remus. "Absolutely not. That's not something I'm willing to do. I won't tell you who I'm with because of _their_ privacy, but don't expect me to sneak around about it. I'd rather not do it at all."

Sirius wanted to be reassured by that, tempted to accept it, but he felt guilty and actually quite worried. "But if you can't have sex," he told Remus, "you'll get tired of me and leave me for somebody normal, somebody who'll have sex with you."

Remus let out a huff of laughter. "Merlin, Pads, I don't think you understand. I don't want somebody else. I want _you_. I've slept with other people, and it was fun, but no one I could possibly sleep with could ever be a stand in for you."

"Moony, you know I don't want to have sex with you," said Sirius, and immediately regretted it. It sounded too harsh, too direct.

Remus flinched, but then softened. "Yes, Sirius, I do know. That's not what I meant. Sure, I wanted to have sex with you before I knew, but I know now that's not something you want, and that's fine. I just want you, as you really are, I want what we have together. I'd rather have not-sex with you than sex with anyone else."

Oh. "Really?"

"Yes, really. You seem to be underestimating your snogging prowess, how ridiculously gorgeous you are, and how absolutely crazy I am about you."

Sirius buried his slightly loony smile in Remus's neck. Normally he'd preen, but the connection to sex embarrassed him, and such expressions of feeling from Remus were a rare treat.

"Hell," said Remus, "half the time I only beg off to take care of business because I don't want to make you uncomfortable with how aroused I am, when really I'd prefer to keep on snogging you in a lusty haze until I'm ready to explode."

"Oh," said Sirius. "Wow." He detangled himself and leaned back on his elbow, smiling. "Okay," he said. "I get it. But you can still shag other people. Maybe ones you've shagged before? I reckon if you were going to date them, you would have by now, so I have nothing to be jealous of."

Remus smiled fondly. "We'll see. Don't expect me to do stuff with Peter, because I know you'll make a scene about that, but there's a couple of people I could hit up."

"Good. Just maybe try to fit it in sometime I'm already otherwise occupied," said Sirius sheepishly.

Remus laughed. "Alright, love. But I'm not sure I want to. If you just keep on climbing into my bed half naked like this, my trusty right hand will do the rest." He winked, and he had that look again, that Sirius didn't quite understand but seemed to imply Remus actually found their not-sex to be very sexy.

Sirius smiled softly at Remus, knowing his boyfriend was telling the truth. He suddenly felt overwhelmed and strangely vulnerable. He pulled Remus close for a hug, and was elated to feel Remus hugging him back fiercely. Sirius had loved Remus for years, friendship mixing with romantic feelings, but this, he thought, was something different.

They didn't let go for a very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked the story and I didn't mess anything up too bad. Let me know what you thought!
> 
> ~~If you like smut, I'd like it if you weighed in on something I'm still unsure of regarding the next installment of Joy Verse. I have some smut featuring Remus with his different lovers, and I was going to write a scene with every one of them, but then I realized Remus/OC or Remus/Canon Character Barely Mentioned in Passing might not be very interesting. What do you think? Should I include OCs? Are there named characters you have headcanons for that you'd like me to include?~~ The Wandering Werewolf is now planned out and well underway, thank you everyone who shared their thoughts. Go check it out!
> 
> You can also find me at @wereflamingo on Tumblr.


End file.
